no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize