i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
