sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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