i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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