if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
