somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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