Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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