you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
