I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
