she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
