In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize