Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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