if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
