swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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