So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
