my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize