Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
