I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
