I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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