so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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