Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
