last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize