last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
