I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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