no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
