Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
