i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
