My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
