Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
