I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
