apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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