You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
not ubering you a puppy
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
