So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
