The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
