Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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