everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
