Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
