Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize