just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
