my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
