Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
