I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
