hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
