I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
