his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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