watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
