gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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