oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
