I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
