can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
