I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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