Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
