i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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