my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
