So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
