come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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