I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
