Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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