she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
