I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
