you didnt know i had herpes?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
