so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Terrible idea I love it
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
